"I love you, Dominique. I love you so much that nothing can matter to me - not even you. Can you understand that? Only my love - not your answer. Not even your indifference. I've never taken much from the world. I haven't wanted much. I've never really wanted anything. Not in the total, undivided way, not with the kind of desire that becomes an ultimatum, 'yes' or 'no', and one can't accept the 'no' without ceasing to exist. That's what you are to me. But when one reaches that stage, it's not the object that matters, it's the desire. Not you, but I. The ability to desire like that. Nothing less is worth feeling or honoring. And I've never felt that before. Dominique, I've never known how to say 'mine' about anything. Not in the sense I say it about you. Mine. Did you call it a sense of life as exaltation? You said that. You understand, I can't be afraid. I love you, Dominique - I love you. You're letting me say it now - I love you."
Leah folded the corner of the page and closed 'The Fountainhead'. She smiled with moist eyes, something she did a lot these days, while she thought, "The most beautiful thing I've ever read. Ayn Rand, the world can't thank you enough for this," and looked at the book carefully held in her hands like a priceless treasure. Her thoughts automatically drifted to Neil. His smile. His long nose. His geek classes. His hair. Him. It was funny how every romantic song, sonnet, movie, picture, word made her think of him. And only him.
"That's the way it's supposed to be, baby!" she pictured him saying those words and gently pulling her cheeks. She grinned sheepishly and forced herself to stop imagining things.
This wasn't the first time Leah had had feelings for a guy. She had dealt with feelings so intense they were hard to describe. She had learnt to find rays of hope in the darkest places, had learnt to find happiness in the deepest states of sorrow, had learnt to give up on things she'd wanted more than anything else in the world. But this time, it wasn't the same. There were no butterflies in the stomach, no anxiety, no longing, no oh-my-god-he-took-my-breath-away moments, no complications. And that was the whole point. This was the simplest thing she'd come across. As simple as breathing. And just as beautiful, maybe even more.
For the first time in her life, Leah didn't have to look for rays of hope. Because there was no darkness. She didn't need to find happiness. She was showered with it, more than she deserved. She didn't give up on things she wanted. Because there was nothing she really wanted. Because whenever she saw Neil smiling at her, she knew she already owned the world.
For the first time in her life, Leah fell short of words. She couldn't express her feelings for Neil. Initially, it scared her. Apparently, she wasn't the only one who was scared.
"What's wrong, Leah? Why can't you simply tell me what you feel? Why can't you express what is in your heart? Something that's so freaking obvious?" Neil questioned.
"I..don't know, Neil! I just..I just don't know! I can't..I simply can't!" She replied, bewildered.
"Neil obviously loves you. I mean, look at him! He cares for you like an idiot. But, Li, are you seriously serious about him? Because..." Penny said.
"Of course, I am serious! Do you think, out of all the people, I'll fool around?!" She replied, annoyed.
"Dear, I get those vibes from Neil. The kind where you just know he loves you a lot. But...I don't feel that way with you. I'm afraid..Is he just someone you are holding on to for the sake of your own happiness?" Romilda aunt enquired.
Now, Leah knew. She had known it all along. Somewhere at the back of her head, hidden beneath all her fears, she'd always known it. And when she answered Romilda aunt, she answered herself -
"Aunt, you've seen me falling for guys and breaking my neck. You've seen me fighting with them, for them. But this time, I didn't fall. There was no going head-over-heels. There were no fireworks. He simply lifted me up in his arms and whispered, "I love you." There was no crying, no fighting, no over-the-top cheese. Just a fact - that we love each other. And a belief - that nothing can change that fact. I don't celebrate his presence, aunt. But when he's not around, it feels like a huge chunk of me is missing. It's not a war. I don't need to force myself through every single day of it. It's like a stream of water. It goes on and on effortlessly. Like, there's nothing unusual about it. Like, it's exactly how it's supposed to be.
"I'm tired, aunt. Really tired of everything that's been happening all along. Tired of an "eventful" life. I want to rest. And the best place to find peace is his arms. I could simply rest my head on his shoulder and while the time away, without having to say anything, without having to do anything. I don't want to hug and kiss him all the time, I just want him to be there. To look at me and smile. That's it.
"Loving him is like a breath of fresh air. Like getting lost in a deep slumber after a tiring journey. It's like dreaming - where you don't really have to THINK before you do anything, you simply do it. And everything else falls in place, just like that! I know I can do anything, and he's got my back. It's as natural as watching butterflies fluttering over the flowers. Yet, it's spellbinding."
She found herself crying, crying like she never had; feeling happiness like she never had. And she smiled with moist eyes, something she did a lot these days.
"Baby, it doesn't matter if you're careless, forgetful, inexpressive, or any other disastrous thing, I'll still love you. This is a point where I can't think of anyone else. It doesn't matter how many people are saying it won't work out. That's the last thing I care about! All I care about is what you and I think, nothing else. I don't care about any girl whom I apparently "deserve", I just know that you're the best I can get. I just want you, all of you, for the rest of my life. All your stubbornness, your moodiness, your childishness, everything! I love you, Leah, and nothing can change that. Not even you."
And at that moment, Leah knew she wouldn't die for this guy. She'd live each day of her remaining life with him. Just him. All of him. And she smiled with moist eyes, something she did a lot these days...
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