Emma stared blankly into space, as she felt all feeling drained from her.
Her mother was right: Ernie knew about Drew, he knew what happened, what he'd done, how she'd felt. But ought he to? She, Emma, thought this in the long term. And your partner have knowledge of your ex? No, that was not tolerable. It could explode out of him sometime int the future. And Emma would regret it then.
Emma put her head in her hands, knowing nothing but exhaustion. What would life had been, she thought, had Ernie not known... Why did she have to blab it all out to him? Th life she'd lost, owing to that conversation, seemed like a mortal wound...
But the stuff he'd said in front of her mother...
Beneath her fingers, her eyes flew open. Rage, fury rose within her like acid. He believed the stuff people told him. What had happened at Drew's place, Emma had told him. Yet, he chose to speak, if not believe, the worst. The lies. And how come people knew about the video? What all had he been thinking? Hearing? What was Emma's image in his head...?
Emma punched her pillow to a more comfortable shape. Through the gloom, she silently agreed with Arthur: Relationships were indeed C.R.A.P.
Emma stood beneath the shower, wishing it could wash away everything...
She'd finally gulped down the fact that with such an ability to invent lies and rumors, about his own girlfriend, Ernie didn't deserve her. But there was another severe blow - she'd lost Adrian as well.
Leah had been right, boys couldn't be trusted. Why didn't he understand that when Emma said he was her brother, she always meant it, from all her heart? It was probably the highest, most wonderful place Emma could ever put someone into. Both Adrian and Ernie - Emma gave them such high positions. And they, whatever else they might have done, abused it.
Emma wasn't sure if she could do it again. They'd snuffed out her belief, her trust, her passion from all those wonderful relationships - a friend, a brother, a partner... She felt irrationally empty, hollow from within, that with one simple act, they'd moved so far from her. She saw them, and had floods of memories. She missed, not them, but the people she'd thought them to be...
She couldn't think of hunting them down. But she couldn't love them either. She could pray that somewhere, someday, even they'd find someone they could put their heart into.
As Emma scavenged the racks at the supermarket for more biscuits, her phone beeped, showing a new message. She opened it, and saw:
Yvaine: Emma... U r ok na? I knw u r nt :/ Bt still, hw r u nw?
Emma sighed.
Just two days back, Donna had told her another "Ernie-fact". If Emma was truthful to herself, she wanted to hear them all the very less. But somehow, knowing them, and pitying at the person Ernie had become, was oddly satisfying. Ernie had been the one who'd been posting anonymous confessions of love to Margaret. It had rather been a topic of interest as far as Emma knew (not being a part of the page, she couldn't be sure). "Yvaine is the admin of that page," Donna had said, "and she told me to inform you. He's cheating on you."
That time Emma had a sudden recollection of a talk with Leah. She had told Emma that Ernie had proposed to another girl while he was supposed to be in a relationship with Emma. She'd refused to name her. Had it been Margaret?
How many other hearts had that devil trod upon? Or had Margaret been sensible enough not to take him seriously? Emma wondered if this was the cause of her suffering: Her naive, childish mind. Her habit of listening to her heart. Her belief that there was indeed some magic that set things right in the end...
And as she looked down at Yvaine's message, she wondered how many other people knew about it. Had Ernie spread the word? Or had people simply deduced as they'd seen him walking and talking with Emma? And those who knew, would they sympathize with Emma, knowing how badly she'd been hurt? Or would they say she'd been stupid? Or, Emma's stomach clenched at the thought, had people heard Ernie's version about her going to meet Drew ad taken her that way?
It doesn't matter, Emma told herself firmly. This was a lone battle, and people could comfort her, stand by her, but they couldn't possibly fight in her place. Yvaine was right, Ernie was a freak. And it gave Emma slight hope, believing Yvaine's words that heartbreaks were indeed good, that they indeed brought you one step closer to the one you're actually meant to be with, and Emma did indeed deserve someone much better...
Why was it, Emma asked herself, that everything felt so constricting?
It was like being wrapped in a cocoon - of memories. She wanted to get out. Because suffocating in them could lead her nowhere. She wanted to have a free life. Without worries, without resentment, without painful recollections. She wanted the life she had had before 8th December 2010 ever happened.
But she could just keep wishing...
Even the weather seemed to mock her. She'd spent two summers entirely to Drew's name. She'd spent those days hoping for him to be alright. For him to be free. Without a care for her own self. And as she breathed in the warm evening air, looked at the darkness outside, those strange squirmy feelings she'd had back then hit her like hailstones. She couldn't scream, she couldn't screen herself from them.
How much more did she have to bear? How many more blows could she possibly take on her trust? Drew - whom she'd devoted herself to and forgotten EVERYTHING else. Ernie - all those wonderful feelings of love and trust he'd FAKED in front of her. Adrian - who did so much for her, but never shared how strongly he felt for her. Were there more of them? Was her future going to be like the present was - warm and lit, yet cold, dark, dank, unkempt...?
Then she thought of Leah. She'd been with her so long. She wouldn't have, surely...
...But what had she told Emma's mother? There aren't nice talks about Emma around, Aunty... Did that mean she believed them> And where from had she heard them? She thought about that video clip and her insides squirmed. Penny knew. Possibly even Natalie. And what was it that Leah had heard? Sick thoughts swam in front of Emma's eyes... What all they must have talked about, when they were alone when Emma wasn't with them... She tried to push them all out. She couldn't let her brain rot, too.
Trembling with doubts, afraid of being left alone, she did the best she could at the moment - she picked up her phone and texted Leah:
"Leah... You won't leave me, will you?"
She fought back the wetness in her eyes. She had to be strong. Ready to face the worst. Ready to face anything coming at her. But surely not this...?!
A second or two passed. Then Emma's phone vibrated violently - Leah's call. Emma answered it.
"Hello?"
"Hello, Em?"
"Hello, hey Li?! What's up?"
"Hey, Em, listen - "
"Yeah - "
"Swear on my life and tell me - "
"Yeah, what's going on - "
"Em, did Arthur just propose you...??"
And as she dropped on the couch literally howling with laughter, Emma realized that there was a future, indeed...
"But what's my mistake? Please, Em!"
Emma felt a corrosive hatred towards that phrase now. "Please", indeed. There was nothing 'pleasing' at all about the time, or situation in which it had been asked.
So he didn't know WHY Emma didn't talk to him? That was weird. Because Emma could tick of his doings on her fingers right on his face. Problem was, words got stuck in her throat.
First was the one reason she couldn't ignore even if she wanted to - he knew about Drew. Her mom was right, it could create problems in the future. Maybe they'd ignore at first, but when they had responsibilities on them, you couldn't tell what would backfire when. Her mom had said she'd have made done with everything but this. This was the biggest glitch.
But was it?
There was the fact about the video. Only Ernie, Adrian, Roger and Emma were supposed to know about it. Emma hadn't even told Leah. And Penny knew. PENNY?! There had to be a leak somewhere. Whom all had Ernie been telling? And what all had he been telling?
And the worst of all was Leah's information - that he'd proposed another girl while they were in a relationship. That fact tore at her very heart. Because she had been thinking he wasn't like Drew. And she'd been thwarted. Again.
And what about the stuff he'd told her mother? "The way she'd left Drew's place, Aunty...! She was so messed up! And Drew's been telling people about the fun he had that day...!" Messed up was she? She'd love to show him what messed up meant. She's love to show Adrian how much it "pained" too. She'd smack the two of them to death. Only she wasn't in a state to do so.
The hatred, the anger bubbled within Emma like acid. She was corroding, turning to dust from within, and there was nothing she could do about it. She felt like she was dying... Already dead, perhaps... And the odds of reviving her hovered near about nil...
Emma smiled. She knew some things would never change.
It was her foolishness, maybe, or perhaps a habit, or simply because her heart was that way, but she forgave people in the ed. Always. Even if she didn't resume the bond they used to have.
She'd forgiven Ricky for saying all that stuff about them behind their backs. She'd forgiven Drew. And Adrian. And Ernie (though she did pity the three of them with all hr heart). And - she wasn't sure if you could call it forgiving - but she'd disregarded all those times Derek had promised to meet and hadn't turned up, and still regarded him a brother at heart. Anson Roy was a different case, as he sprang up an argument every time they faced each other, and had been careful enough to criticize her always. That was competition, arrogance and pig-headedness, as Emma called it.
There was nothing wrong in believing someone to be your brother at heart. Their contact - Emma and Derek's - had been absolutely zero ever since he had left for college. She hadn't found him on Facebook, either (though she'd love to, after her exams). The girls, Ricky and an old 'friend', Diana, were the same as ever (she couldn't be sure about Diana, they'd never met after their quarrel) - just typical of girls: Don't talk. Don't consider. Don't even look.
She forgave, but didn't forget...!
Nothing could make her have Drew, Adrian or Ernie back now. How much ever they tried, she wouldn't let them. She had her mother backing her up. What was wrong, she thought, in relieving the mind of all trouble it had caused and living a happy life, keeping the cause of troubles at bay? She thought of Peter. Except for a couple of instances, none of them had recalled 8th December 2009 again. They'd been chatting freely. They talked freely. Emma guessed it was because he'd apologized then and there, and had never let that matter crop up again.
She wouldn't give in to emotional blackmail. She'd experienced enough not to let that happen again. There might be some light in the dank future, she thought, but she'd have learnt enough by then to decide if it was truly light or just luster. She looked down at her phone, at the highly sentimental ('mental',actually, Emma thought) version of his state Ernie had sent. She'd reply to him when hell froze over, and maybe not even then.
This was a lesson learnt, and tacked to her heart forever more...
